Rayees Ahmad Kumar
The relationship between a mother and her daughter in-law is of prime importance in the home affairs of a family.The pleasing relationship between the two ladies leads to the promotion and prosperity of the home. Every member of the family dwells as in heaven when the duo ladies express mutual respect to each other and make understanding a basic pillar of their living. On the other hand the strained relations between these two ladies are devastating thousands of families. Hundreds of ladies have committed suicide so far across length and breadth of valley and many more are still living a hellish life only due to misunderstanding among them. There are clear cut rules and regulations both for the mother in-law and her daughter in-law with regard to the running of family affairs in a smooth manner. Lets see what these rules say about mother-in-law (as about daughter in-law I have already written one piece a month ago).
Mother in-law should always treat her daughter in-law as her own child. It shouldn’t be limited to just words or merely showing to strangers that she is respecting her, instead it must be through good intentions. How she treats her own daughter, should the daughter in-law be treated.
Daughter in-law must be so nicely treated that she forgets her parents and parental home.
For her comfort, affection and good health every member of the family must play their good role.
She shouldn’t be considered like a maid servant that you command her. It will dishearten her.
In case she makes a minor mistake, instead of taunting and abusing her or informing her parents, you must guide her affectionately. It develops her love for you and next time she proves your strong companion.
Never complain about your Daughter In-law in front of your neighbours and relatives. In case she is wrong at a certain point, inform her mother or elder sister only. Never say to her ” you don’t know anything. You haven’t learnt anything. Your parents haven’t given you good manners.” Instead she must be taught the way you teach your own daughter. When they commit mistakes, do you inform your neighbours and relatives ? No. So in the similar way a daughter in-law when treated with utmost affection, she too plays her good role in considering them as their own parents. Otherwise it is seldom possible for her to think so.
What you think is good for your own daughters with regard to clothings, eating stuff etc. a daughter in-law must be given a similar consideration.
If the daughter in-law feels discomfort or she isn’t feeling well, instead of giving her commands to perform a particular task, you must yourself do that work.
When she is ill , you must accompany her to a doctor and be serious enough the way your own daughters feel unwell. She must be allowed to take rest and prescribed medicines and eatables with good intentions.
When she does any work, appreciate her and pray for her well-being but not to remain busy in finding faults in her work.
You mustn’t be habitual of complaining about the daughter in-law in front of her husband and father in-law, instead you must hide her faults the way you ignore the mistakes and faults of your own daughters.
You must advise your son to look after his spouse and take care of her especially when she feels ill. It will create an everlasting love, affection and mutual respect among all the family members.
You must always advise your daughters and your sons to treat her well. Further you must caution them not to give her commands and consider her like a collie or outsider. Instead you must make them understand that she is part and parcel of your family and if treated with utmost affection and love, she would respect and love you. Further it must be reiterated to them that in their mother’s absence it is she who distributes food among you so she is like your elder sister.
Never make a demand of dowry to your Daughter In-law. In case she doesn’t bring any item, never complain about it nor taunt and disgrace her. It will worry her and if you continuously insult her, she may take some extreme steps as have been reported many times earlier.
If an outsider asks about the work and conduct of the daughter in-law, never repeat the negative things. Always praise her for her work and behaviour in front of the outsiders.
Apart from the mother in-law sometimes we see the father in-law too indulges in unnecessary family affairs with the result both spouses become victims of depression and mental trauma which leads to the devastation of the family. Instead of treating her like their own daughter, father in-law gives her unnecessary commands like a home servant. His daughters and sons too misbehave with their brother’s spouse which makes the life of new-comer quite melancholic. The most distressing episodes are experienced when all other family members are on one side, thinking, sharing, managing and living a separate life within one common family and the daughter in-law and her children are on the other side. In such circumstances she always feels lonely and she thinks of herself living among strangers. At that point it becomes the duty of the husband either to overhaul his parents and siblings or to rehabilitate her wife with peaceful dignity. Husband’s siblings ail and torture his wife only due to the unbridled and undue powers given to them by his parents. If the husband’s younger siblings aren’t given undue powers by his parents and they themselves manage every family affair with utmost honesty and belief, our families wouldn’t shatter instead these would become the abode of peace and tranquillity. So many eve’s daughters have ended their lives due to domestic violence at the hands of their husbands and other in-laws. At the time of engagement and tying the nuptials, her in-laws leave no stone unturned to assure her that she would be treated like their own daughter but once the bride is brought home, all the assurances given earlier prove false. She is tortured to the maximum level and always considered a burden and stranger in the home which is contradictory to the noble teachings of Islam and dear Prophet (saw). It reminds me of a Sahih Hadith of the Prophet(SAW) ” Best amongst you is the one who is good to his wife. I have been the best to my wives”.
Need of the hour is to get acquainted about the noble teachings of Islam with regard to living a better family life especially with our daughter in-laws.
– Author is a columnist, fiction writer and teaches at Govt Secondary School Anderwan Ganderbal